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I'd make you the happiest person alive. Possibly.

October 19, 2018

Soooo...Mega Millions is actually gonna be Mega Billion this Friday, and no doubt the local news has sent plenty of reporters to plenty of bodegas to ask plenty of people what they'd do with the money if they won. 

So original.

Like when it's about to snow, and they send the reporters out to stand in front of the big pile of sand to reassure us the plow trucks are ready.  Like we'd never believe there was sand unless they were out there showing us at 5am. In the dark. 

Hang on.

I may have veered off track here. 

Mega Millions/Mega Billion. Ok...so, what would I do with a billion dollars? The question is, what WOULDN'T I do with a billion dollars? (Half a billion after taxes because thieves.)  For time's sake, let's just do five. Five things I'd do if I won.

Let's start with giving everyone that I know well a million dollars.  A million dollars.  Wow.  That's a lot of money.  Changing a lot of lives with that.  And the best part?  You don't even know it's gone!  Think about it.  How many people do you know WELL?  Fifty?  I'd say fifty tops.  So, you're a freakin' hero to all those people and you STILL have $450 million left over!


Next, I'm buying the biggest freakin' motorhome money can buy. Then I'm hiring Danica Patrick to drive me to every football stadium, every baseball stadium, and every Olive Garden in America.  

I've got big dreams.

I'd buy this NYC apartment for $82,000,000 and use it solely for after parties.

I'd probably put an ATM in the kitchen like this guy, because why not.

And lastly, I'd buy a pair of underpants for every day of the year and throw them away immediately after wearing them.  

Should probably do that anyway.

Oh, and boss?

See ya Monday, cuz I ain't quittin'.